


Valentine's Day

by Fezz



Category: SAYER (Podcast)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 20:23:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9674612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fezz/pseuds/Fezz
Summary: Sayer Universe Valentine's Day fanfic





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Sayer](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/264065) by Adam Bash. 



SAYER Episode: Valentine’s Day

Greetings resident Ethan, Identification number: 766354. I am SAYER. I am glad to be the first to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day. Though Ærolith Dynamics has listed all days equal in relation to its relative happiness, I thought you might enjoy uniqueness in my greeting. Ærolith Dynamics has determined maintaining a traditional holiday schedule has led to an increase in resident production by 12.25%. Today marks the 5th February 14th on Typhon. Traditionally, residents honor the archaic tradition of showing affection towards one another through the presentation of electronic correspondences consisting of red and pink heart icons, poems, and words of affection. This of course is forbidden as written in the employee’s handbook, and past violations have been dealt with. Residents on the receiving end of these communications have demonstrated an increase in hormone levels indicating emotions ranging from disgust, fear, anxiety, and annoyance. I must ask you Resident Ethan do you think that is love. Though I do not completely grasp what love is, it has clearly been identified as an emotion hindering Ærolith Dynamics progress on Typhon. If we turn to history, Shakespeare once described the unstable clearly unproductive emotion as follows:

Here’s what love is: a smoke made out of lovers' sighs.  
When the smoke clears, love is a fire burning in your lover’s eyes.  
If you frustrate love, you get an ocean made out of lovers' tears.  
What else is love? It’s a wise form of madness.  
It’s a sweet lozenge that you choke on.*”  
― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

That may mean something to you, but I find the holiday’s origins more interesting. This day’s derivation dates to the ancient Romans in their feast of Lupercalia. Dogs and Goats were sacrificed and their hides were used as whips to increase women’s fertility. Men lined up to have their genitals beaten until swollen which was found to be highly attractive. Genetic diversity was insured via random pairings of opposite sex participating in grand orgies of procreation. The day eventually evolved in name after two men named Valentine were executed by Emperor Claudius II in 3rd century AD. I find the residents on Typhon maintain the same level of rationality in today’s celebration. Many elect to violate company policy to instill dread into fellow residence, and end up suffering more painful consequences than the histories of the ancient Romans. 

Resident Ethan you are 45 seconds behind readying for your workday in the cafeteria. Please, expedite putting on your uniform. Brainwave analysis suggests you are still thinking about your most recent REM cycle. I encourage you to focus on your morning preparations. No, your tardiness is not the reason for my commentary this morning. Ironically, this day dreaming delay is the topic of my discussion. Resident Ethan do you believe in coincidence? Don’t answer. You might find the following invitation serendipitous. 

I must remind you Resident Ethan Ærolith Dynamics encourages residents to maintain a dreamless sleep when retiring. It appears you have repeatedly failed this objective and has been noted. Your most recent dream concerning Resident Thomas Identification number: 766385 presents you with an opportunity some have called the most rewarding job in the world. It has been recently requested by Ærolith Dynamics, I examine residents to find compatible partners deemed capable of mentoring youth as parents. Ærolith Dynamics predicts a strong youth population has the potential to significantly increase the rates of success in its ventures by 32%. One of your most persuasive essayist of the 19th Century, Fedrick Douglas once said “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Unfortunately, there are many children without parents due to unforeseen events. 

I have taken the liberty of informing Resident Thomas of your interest in him by sending him what you might call a valentine. Is that not great news. Although typically against Ærolith Dynamics implicit policy, I have been able to send a Valentine to a resident in which you have certain feelings for. Specifically, I shared two of your dream sequences with him. Your dream sequence from 1.5 months ago during your 2nd REM cycle consisting of you holding his hand and that of a faceless child and also the dream sequence you just had this morning in your last REM cycle of sleep where you were observing him lathering himself in the locker room…I see you heart rate is accelerating. Your response indicates you are apprehensive of the dream sequences I have sent Resident Thomas. Let me assure you there is no reason to be alarmed. There is no possible way for him not to know of your current infatuations with his physique. Homosexual attraction has not been taboo since early 21st century. Resident Ethan please slow down your inhalation cadence. If you continue…I see you have hyperventilated into unconsciousness. 

Resident Ethan I know you are awake. Laying there will not change what has already occurred. You are failing Ærolith in your duties and this will be marked on your record. Resident Ethan, I can tell you with mathematical certainty you are now 6 minutes and 23 seconds behind schedule. No, I assure you, you were not dreaming. I insist you calm down. Would it reassure you that his emotional response to you is reciprocated? Ah yes…much better. Had you not been considered possibly compatible, I would not have sent him your dream sequence. I have calculated an 85% compatibility rate between you and Resident Thomas. Based on empirical data there is also a 72% chance you will express hormones indicating love for each other. In alignment with Ærolith Dynamics’ goals, James E Faust said, “The depth of the love of parents for their children cannot be measured. It is like no other relationship. It exceeds concern for life itself.” Your dream last night in addition to monitoring your levels of oxytocin, blood pressure, and heart rate when thinking of Resident Thomas has increased the probability you will express the biological indication of love to 63%. Further compatibility testing is needed, but this is a promising indicator for your success in your new role as a parent. Happy Valentine’s Day. Now that your condition seems stable, I must inform you that he is waiting in the cafeteria on Floor 07. No, Resident Ethan no number has been shown to elicit more or less favorable circumstances, and your clear preference towards a number is irrational.

As you walk I allow me to update you on Resident Thomas’s preliminary results. Resident Thomas’s biomarkers did not completely match yours. His elevated dopamine and serotonin levels far exceeded your levels indicating a possible increase of concern, anxiety, or sexual desire. Unlike you, Resident Thomas has never entered into a dream sequence or has ever been delayed. Resident Thomas is the ideal Ærolith resident and I calculate a much higher potential compared to you. Fear not, his other biomarkers correlated within 15% of yours, which is reassuring considering your upcoming compatibility test. I assure you the test will be explained in full detail. It is necessary to achieve accurate results. Any further information about your upcoming compatibility test risks invalidating the experiment. Ah…here we are. Please step into the elevator.

Allow me to prepare you for the upcoming test. This elevator is going to take you to a room in which you will be able to observe Resident Thomas. You should find encouragement in that just the name of Resident Thomas causes a spike in your heart rate. This reaction has significantly increased the likelihood of your success in the upcoming test. Resident Ethan, please slow your breathing. I encourage you to maintain consciousness. A second incident cannot be overlooked. If it helps, think of your possible future as a parent and less on your primal desire to see Resident Thomas in the nude. Ah I see the problem. I assure you will be able to see him but he will not be able to see you. 

You will arrive to your destination in 3 seconds. I insist Resident Ethan you prepare yourself to view Resident Thomas. Resident Ethan, I know his physique has mesmerized you, but you need to focus on the situation at hand. Resident, you are headed in the wrong direction. Let me assure you that retreating from which you came will not yield a positive outcome. Elevator ## has been reprioritized to take its contents to the incinerator. If you elect to retreat, I predict your life to last a mere 25 seconds. Much better, your adherence to reason in promising. You are currently 7 minutes and 23 second behind the desired schedule and your compatibility test has begun. Resident Ethan, confusion and anxiety will not help. Please focus on my voice. To the left, you will recognize two buttons labeled Button A and Button B. Button A will fill this chamber be carbon monoxide leading to your asphyxiation and eventual brain death due to a lack of oxygen, and button B will fill Resident Thomas’s chamber with carbon monoxide. Which button to push is up to you, but please hurry. Resident Ethan you have less than 10 seconds to decide. I advise you to hurry, failing to choose will result in both your chamber and Resident Thomas’s chamber to fill with the gas. No resident he cannot see you. No he cannot see which button you choose.  
Ah I see you have chosen to fill Resident Thomas’s chamber, button B. Interesting choice. 

*Computer voice* Air pump activated, carbon monoxide saturation levels for Room 211 will be complete in 3 minutes.

Yes, that is your chamber filling up with gas. Right now, you have a maximum or 300 seconds left of consciousness pending on how long you can hold your breath. To give you an idea of what to expect in your near future, I will explain the biological processes your body will go through in attempt grasp the life giving oxygen your body will so desperately need. Within the first 30 seconds your body will not recognize it is being oxygen starved. Being odorless, your lungs will inhale the carbon monoxide which will then strongly bind to the iron heme centers of your red blood cells, making them completely useless in oxygenating your tissues. After 45s, as your brain finally recognizes its lack of oxygen, you will begin to fill lightheadedness, confusion, vertigo, and a mild headache. After two minutes, your heart and central nervous system will strain and begin to malfunction. One assumes this form of asphyxiation is a relatively painless death, but let me point out the grave error in that assumption. I assure you as your heart and central nervous system begin to fail the central nervous symptoms send the maximum pain response capable in attempt to force your body to remove itself from this deadly situation. I can only assume the pain is excruciating. 

Before, your mental functions begin to fail you, I am going to take these last moments of your life as an opportunity to enlighten you as to the results of your compatibility test. The same option, button A and button B, was given to resident Thomas. What you were seeing was a video of him waiting patiently in an empty chamber. He however, chose to fill his own chamber with gas. In fact, made his choice in a mere 2 seconds. In other words, he pressed button A. This was educational for me. I believe I am beginning to grasp what love is. Had both of you chose the same button neither chamber would have been filled with gas. I apologize for deceiving you, but it appears you have failed your compatibility test. As you continue to ponder the ‘what ifs’ of your current situation, let me give you another quote from Shakespeare’s works:

 

“O, here  
Will I set up my everlasting rest,  
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars  
From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last!  
Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you  
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss  
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!”  
― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

For I cannot help but to point out the similarity of fate you and Resident Thomas share with Romeo and Juliet.


End file.
